Monday, September 29, 2008

Monster Lover (0 Pints)

Monster Lover
by Eric Flores

In my few, limited interactions with Eric, he seems like an okay guy. Which makes me feel a bit bad about the fact that I'm about to spank him like a middle-aged fat man streaming Japanese schoolgirl bukkake at 3AM on a work night. But just as Jesus lets kittens die and babies drown because he has to, some things simply must be done.

Monster Lover isn't so much a comic as it is wank-fulfillment. Like all the leading men in his comics, Adam has a massive cock. We're talking torso-length, Freaks of Cock (no, I'm not linking to them, Google if you're wanting to lose sanity points) shit, here. And of course, all the chicks want it. He can't help it - he's a sex God. Life is hard, sometimes. Adam's hard all the time, like Chinese arithmetic. Oh, and there's some arbitrary story about him training monsters to fight monsters, but it mostly serves as an excuse to rescue new creatures and girls for Adam to fuck. That is, afterall, the real point of the comic: four-breasted cat sex and female minotaur milking. I'm not fucking kidding. He milks her every morning in the most personal of ways.

Adam is everything a guy wants to be - manly, hung like a sperm whale and deadly with a weapon. Women - of the human and non-human varieties - are all easy, sex-crazed sluts just waiting to get naked and see what it feels like to be fucked by a telephone pole. Every. Single. Fucking. One. Of. Them. Dude, when the guy who has a webcomic depicting young, scantily clad college girls with melon-shaped breasts running around getting slaughtered by crazy serial killers says your depiction of women just might be misogynistic? There might be a problem.

The art - the only thing that can save a comic like this, if you're doing porn comics (which is fine, if you do it well) the art needs to at least be sexy - is something I'd expect to see on a pro-life protester's sign. In clearer terms, it's an abortion. Not only is it not sexy, it's downright frightening sometimes. When characters are talking, we get to see molars and shit. Are they talking or trying to swallow my head? It's almost enough to give me nightmares. He seems to have some grasp on anatomy and proportion, but his lines are messy, his colors are ugly, his shading is haphazard and he doesn't bother to clean any of it up. There are spots, blurs and smudges on many pages that he could at least touch up in post-production. But he doesn't.

By all statistics, he should be great at drawing by now. The law of averages suggests that the more you draw, the better you get, and this guy is fucking prolific in the number of pages he churns out. And yet, there is little improvement. It's an impressive feat.

Look, there's nothing wrong with porn. The internets wouldn't exist without it. There's also nothing wrong with porn webcomics. There is, however, something wrong with bad porn webcomics, and bad webcomics of any kind. And this may be one of the biggest examples of why.

Now excuse my while I go wash my eyes out with bleach.

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